I’ve often wondered why people who are so smart, tend to have such bad outcomes in various things. These are the sorts of people who should be able to figure things out, right? My guess is that a significant number don’t understand the following formula. Without further ado …

How to change something:

1. Consider for a moment that something can change - it’s not just a given.

The biggest “external” barrier is probably thinking that something cannot change - it is simply a given.

Example: I used to think that chit-chat was an innate ability (that I didn’t have). It was only when I realized that it could be learned, that I started to look for ways to get better at chit-chat. Before that, it was magic. Suddenly, it became something that could be changed.

Some things you can’t change. Figuring out the difference is the trick. In general, though, if other people are doing something, I assume I can also do it. Revise if further evidence strongly suggests otherwise. If you’re making progress, though, my rule of thumb is keep going.

Example: I used to think I couldn’t sing worth anything, and that the sound of a voice was innate (which is partially true, but largely false). Then I moved into a place where I could sing in the shower and only the old lady upstairs could hear me. This, in turn, allowed for advancement in technique through experimentation - I then started having breakthroughs. This led to a strange idea - maybe my voice could get a lot better. I enrolled in voice lessons. I just recently auditioned for the first time, and the panel was impressed - and I am now in my first opera. This wouldn’t have happened if I maintained my belief that this couldn’t change.

2. Ask “What do I fear about this potential change, and if it is true can I creatively figure out a way that minimizes the chances of the possible thing I’m concerned about?”

Often, I notice there are inchoate beliefs swirling around under a lack of action. This is “internal” mental barriers. I might have a belief that being successful in changing something will lead to something else undesirable.

Get clear on the internal resistance - i.e., I recommend actually writing out what one’s beliefs are. Talking straightforwardly to someone else can also do this. These a) have a cathartic effect, and b) also help one to get clear on just what one’s thoughts are, and whether they are in some way warranted, and if so, in which ways or based on what evidence.

Often times when I get clear on something, I feel a little silly about the reasons. I am actually reluctant to write them down. “No, those can’t be my real reasons - that’s too silly - I’m embarrassed to even write it down. …” Write it down.

Here are some things to consider:

a) Often, one can try something out, see what it’s like, and if one doesn’t like it, can change back.

b) Often, one can figure out a creative way to create change without losing what one thinks is valuable.

3. Conceive of it as a problem to be solved.

If something is annoying you, just ask “What is the problem here to be solved?” (Add “and how do I solve it?” for bonus points.)

As soon as you conceive of a situation not as a static, given reality, but as a potential problem to be solved, mechanisms start to move in one’s mind that will bring about a change in the situation.

Once you ask this, you can do something like brainstorm on a piece of paper possible solutions. Then prioritize them, and take a step to follow up on the most promising one first …

4. Move to change oneself first, then what’s outside of oneself.

This is pretty straightforward. Focus on changing yourself first. Once you do that, you might find that then things change.

5. Prioritize your problems you will figure out how to solve.

Not all problems are created equal. In particular, problems that impact your basic emotional needs should be dealt with first, smarty-pants. If you don’t have these down, your ability to solve that mathematical theorem-create that new technology-whatever will probably be significantly distracted from.

That’s it!

Have fun,